That was what I wrote in 2022.
And then I asked myself:
“If you have recovered, why are you still in pain?”
At the time, I thought I understood what recovery meant.
Looking back now, I think I understand it a little differently.
After Rey’s quiet departure, life did not stop.
There were things that still had to be done. At that time, there were several ongoing projects, and Ningning and I had to move from one place to another to attend to them.
There wasn’t much time to sit down and grieve.
There was work to do. There were responsibilities to take care of. There were people to talk to. There were things that needed my attention.
So I kept moving.
And perhaps that was how people saw me.
I was still friendly. I could still smile. I could still laugh. I could still talk to people as though everything was okay.
People would even tell me,
“You’re looking good!”
And honestly, I was glad they said that.
Praise God… they didn’t notice.
Because that was what I wanted to project. I didn’t want people looking at me with pity. I didn’t want to appear nakakaawa. I wanted to continue being me.
But being okay on the outside didn’t mean there wasn’t pain somewhere inside.
I think some of it is psychological. The mind and body remember.
Sometimes, something would trigger a memory, and the pain would come. Sometimes it was only for a moment. Then, just as quickly, it would pass.
And perhaps that’s what I was trying to understand when I first wrote this story.
Recovery doesn’t necessarily mean that the mind and body forget what happened.
Sometimes, we recover enough to continue living, while some part of us still remembers.
That’s why we shouldn’t judge people by how they look.
Someone may look happy, healthy, strong, or completely okay—and they may genuinely be okay. But that doesn’t mean they have forgotten everything they’ve been through.
They may simply have learned how to live with what their mind and body still remember.
And maybe that’s another reason to be gentle with one another—and with ourselves.
We don’t always know what someone is carrying inside.
Sometimes the pain comes.
Sometimes it passes.
And sometimes, we simply keep going.
Maybe healing isn’t about forgetting the pain.
Maybe it’s about reaching the point where the pain can visit without taking over your life.
I think that’s what recovery looked like for me.
I was grieving.
I was hurting.
And I was also living.