This was something I wrote in 2016, when surviving one day at a time was already a victory. Looking back now, I realize this little exercise became one of the ways God gently carried me through grief.
The Weight of the Words
I am a widow. Now, I can finally say those words.
But every day felt like I was passing through different tunnels where I could barely breathe.
People would often tell me, “You’re looking good!”
Praise God... they didn't notice.
To be honest, I went through financial difficulties, work-related anxieties, personal concerns involving my children—shallow as some of them may have seemed, they still had to be faced—along with my own private struggles.
My Daily Ritual of Surrender
This was the little “exercise” I did whenever I needed to calm my spirit.
I shouted—inside my room or in the bathroom.
I poured out everything that weighed me down: concerns, issues, problems, anxieties... everything. I needed to hear the words coming from my own lips. Somehow, saying them out loud helped me acknowledge that they were real.
And then...
I quieted down.
I prayed—not the long prayers I used to pray. I simply surrendered everything to God.
Sometimes I mentioned each concern one by one. Most of the time, I chose not to because I knew I might end up drowning in self-pity instead of surrender.
As the days passed, I cried less. And I thanked God for that.
I ended my prayer with these words:
"Bahala Ka na, Lord. Burahin ko muna lahat sa isip ko. I will wait on You, and I will just follow Your lead."
Wholeheartedly, I let God take over.
From Letting Go to Moving Forward
Then it was time to come out of my hiding place.
Labas na ako sa lungga.
Smile.
"Kembot-kembot." (a lighthearted wiggle)—that became my favorite way of telling my children,
"Okay na ako. Kaya na 'yan!"
Then I began telling happy stories. It was an intentional choice to shift the atmosphere, not just for my children, but to remind my own heart of the light that remained.
I counted my blessings, no matter how small they seemed.
I reminded myself: Be happy. Stay beautiful. Stay blessed.
But I also reminded myself of something equally important: Don't just sit down and relax. Follow God's lead. Watch carefully. Be sensitive to His leading.
Before I knew it...
God had already made a way.
Healing One Stitch at a Time
I hadn't learned yet that healing is often like crochet.
You don't finish a piece in one sitting. You make one stitch, then another. Sometimes you stop because your hands are tired. The next day, you pick it up again.
Upon reflection, I realize this little "exercise" was one stitch in the blanket God was quietly weaving around my grieving heart.
